Let Me Tell You About My Mother

Okay, writers of the heartwrenching and majestic Eagle Eye: you have our attention. And we all want to decapitate you. Happy now?


For those of you who haven't heard the news, according to Slashfilm spies who attended a G&A hosted by Creative Screenwriting (which my inbox says was on the 25th) two of the film's douchebag writers, Travis Wright and John Glenn, the same douches who're currently rewriting The Warriors, have been putting together a Blade Runner sequel for the past couple years.

Excuse me?

YES, they said BLADE RUNNER. SEQUEL. TO BLADE RUNNER. Luckily they're shit writers (obviously) so the likelyhood that this might get made is small. But I saw dollar signs in the eyes of the WB execs I told last November that I'd seen the Final Cut in theaters three times in one week. Regardless though ...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Does Leon have to bust a cap in these guys? Because I'll dig up Brion James and reanimate him just to do so. Hell, I'd take one for the team and do it myself. Since they're no doubt familiar with The Warriors by this point -- at least we'd hope -- they should know that they've basically killed Cyrus in this town, so they better watch their backs if they actually plan to pitch this thing around town.


The worst part about the proposed film and the pretentious c**twaffles behind it is that, unlike Spaceablanca this project is DEAD SERIOUS. These assholes actually think that they can make a SEQUEL to BR and HAVE IT NOT SUCK.

Well let's see. Besides creativity and class, these guys seem to be lacking:

- Rutger Hauer
- Harrison Ford
- Ridley Scott
- David Peoples (who wrote Unforgiven)
- A NOVEL BY PHILIP K DICK

But I'm sure they can, you know, cast Shia LaBeouf and Michael Chiklis as Blade Runners who, I dunno, fuck some chicks and compete to take out the same score. What's another paycheck, right? Nance on......

Mighty Thor Behold

Gilderoy Lockhart is directing the Thor film due out in 2010, Aintitcool reports. Let's hope it won't be supa serious like all his other films, otherwise we'll summon Ragnarokk on his ass.

Oh, and we recommend Sonata Arctica and Nightwish for the soundtrack -- and maybe some Iron Maiden. Just sayin ...

Nance on......

More videogame and comic movies. Oh boy.

While at least we can take heart that Uwe Boll isn't involved with any of these projects, it does seem like the producers are scraping the bottom of the barrel -- though what else is new.

Mass Effect is the first to get the studio treatment -- unsurprising since Bioshock has been in development for some time. But since The Rock has already been there done Doom, they probably won't find anyone interesting for Shepard. Project director Casey Hudson said in interviews that Aliens, Blade Runner, Star Wars, and Wrath of Khan all served as influences for the game. Gee, I wonder if this movie will be as good as those.

Second in line is less predictable and far more ludicrous: The Sims. Yes, that's right. The Sims. Not Sim City, not Sim Farms. The Sims. You know, that game with no plot? Well, I'm sure the movie will just be full of twists and turns. (And maybe some ghosts or mad scientists?)

And to prove that third is not always the charm, Megan Fox will be playing a mermaid in Fathom, one of the 42850259 low-reader comic-to-screen projects announced recently. Apparently the project is being "rewritten" to work as a vehicle for Fox ... aka the original script sucked something fierce and producers are banking on her sex appeal to make their $ back. Not sure how this will work since a mermaid can't spread 'em, but I'm sure they'll find away around that.

Nance on......

Trailer Redux

Though not nearly as amazing as the Stallone trailers watched at the New Beverly last night, here are some of the upcoming films you just might want to miss ...

Valkyrie: Epic Failure, defined


Punisher: War Zone: Even women can make bad movies!



The Spirit: Who needs a plot?



The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Probably not as good as Zodiac.

Nance on......

Gay Gaiken

Oh Cary, how could you have deceived me so?

Okay. By now even the "reputable" online news sources are weighing in on the Claymates' shockingly unshocking discovery. While most sites have been copy pasta-ing choice quote from Fandom Wank, there's a more serious issue at hand: How could anyone NOT know?

At no point did Clay Aiken ever shout his heterosexuality from the rooftops. Though we don't like to discriminate, we would imagine 90% of sane people would "know" just by looking at or hearing him. It's not like we're living in the 1940's where he has to beard himself with Doris Day (whom he can now rave about freely).

So what is it about the fangirl archetype that makes them so damned delusional? Did he bring one of them a piece of toast? Or are they just pathetically desperate enough that they couldn't find someone else (hotter/more talented) to dream about at night ? Because the worst (and most hilarious) part of this whole net fiasco is: he's not attractive and HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A SINGER.

But to be serious for a moment, one has to wonder why these girls are so viciously attracted to someone like Clay. And the only obvious answer is that he's perfect. In a way. He's not intimidating. He seems like a pretty nice guy. He certainly doesn't womanize, doesn't live his life on the edge, and considering the new baby, he's exactly what every little girl dreams of. So can you really blame them?

Maybe the Josh Hartnetts and Jude Laws of the world could learn a little lesson or two. And maybe it's not the Claymates who are insane, but all those girls who pine after douchebags.

What dreams are made of ...

Nance on......