Because all black people look the same ...

... To studio execs.

The Hollywood Reporter, er, reports, that Don Cheadle has signed up to replace Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes (War Machine) in the sequel to this summer's blockbuster comic adaptation, Iron Man.

Listen, everyone loves Don Cheadle, but did Marvel execs really feel Terrence Howard was expendable? Sure Cheadle has an Oscar and Howard's only been nominated, but you can't exactly replace Cate Blanchett with Ellen Page just because they're both white chicks. Howard had the right look and the right attitude, and most importantly he was great in Iron Man. We're not exactly talking Katie Holmes here.

Rumors suggest "financial differences" were the main reason behind the casting change -- amongst other unidentified issues. Which would be what exactly? They didn't feel like paying a black actor enough to keep him around? They're shelling out for Gwyneth Paltrow, and the only thing she's done lately is pop out a few Coldplay kids.

Besides, considering how much this sequel is sure to make, there's no reason to be stingy.

Terrence Howard is more than capable of carrying a big studio film. He's handsome, well-built, and though he has a bitchy reputation (who in hollywood doesn't?), he has the personality to pull off a super hero. Does Don Cheadle?

Hopefully more details will come out about this completely unnecessary change up. Until then we're waiting for answers -- and hope you will too. Nance on......

Let Me Tell You About My Mother

Okay, writers of the heartwrenching and majestic Eagle Eye: you have our attention. And we all want to decapitate you. Happy now?


For those of you who haven't heard the news, according to Slashfilm spies who attended a G&A hosted by Creative Screenwriting (which my inbox says was on the 25th) two of the film's douchebag writers, Travis Wright and John Glenn, the same douches who're currently rewriting The Warriors, have been putting together a Blade Runner sequel for the past couple years.

Excuse me?

YES, they said BLADE RUNNER. SEQUEL. TO BLADE RUNNER. Luckily they're shit writers (obviously) so the likelyhood that this might get made is small. But I saw dollar signs in the eyes of the WB execs I told last November that I'd seen the Final Cut in theaters three times in one week. Regardless though ...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Does Leon have to bust a cap in these guys? Because I'll dig up Brion James and reanimate him just to do so. Hell, I'd take one for the team and do it myself. Since they're no doubt familiar with The Warriors by this point -- at least we'd hope -- they should know that they've basically killed Cyrus in this town, so they better watch their backs if they actually plan to pitch this thing around town.


The worst part about the proposed film and the pretentious c**twaffles behind it is that, unlike Spaceablanca this project is DEAD SERIOUS. These assholes actually think that they can make a SEQUEL to BR and HAVE IT NOT SUCK.

Well let's see. Besides creativity and class, these guys seem to be lacking:

- Rutger Hauer
- Harrison Ford
- Ridley Scott
- David Peoples (who wrote Unforgiven)
- A NOVEL BY PHILIP K DICK

But I'm sure they can, you know, cast Shia LaBeouf and Michael Chiklis as Blade Runners who, I dunno, fuck some chicks and compete to take out the same score. What's another paycheck, right? Nance on......

I don't like...Singers...

Well, too bad Patrick Bateman, patron saint of ONTD. Looks like you, along with Spiderman, Frodo, and Elle Woods, are getting your very own schlocky musical!

Sure, some idiots out there are sure to think this is a good idea, just like some producers are sure to think that an "edgy" musical adaption could bring in all those Broadway bound hipsters or serial killers in training. Oh wait ...

The main problem (one of many, many problems) is that while I'm all for rats devouring the mutilated insides of an electrocuted body, I have a feeling it won't be exactly what a family-and-tourist-friendly Broadway show calls for, especially when popular blah like Legally Blonde and actually good productions like [title of show] are forced to close during the economic slump. And those actually have AUDIENCES.

In order for American Psycho to work AT ALL on stage (which it can't as a musical, let's face it) and still be profitable, they'd have to water it down more than Mary Harron's film -- a film that she only got to make in the first place because if a male director breathed anywhere in its direction he'd be tarred and feathered by a thousand screaming feminists. And let's everyone remember that despite Christian Bale's rise to stardom and the film's cult status online, it still made no money. And they think a Broadway musical will make bank?

Who wants to see a musical about an extremely violent serial killer not dicing people's heads off anyway? Even Sweeney Todd isn't brutal on stage, and Andrew Lloyd Weber has major 42nd street cred. Can Patrick Bateman sing his way to a rez at Dorsia? We sincerely doubt it.

I don't like singers ... so I will kill you in 30 seconds to Mars.

Nance on......

That's Enough, JK Rowling

It looks like the WB/Rowling camp forgot to pray to He-Who-Might-Be-Cthullu before their latest lawsuit was settled.

And it's too bad for them: Indian film "Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors" will still be released in theatres this week. In case ANYONE was confused, it's Indian. It does not contain wizards, dragons, irritatinly pallid children, or magic. (Except the magic of cinema, that is.)

All you fanvidders better watch out though: Jo and her knee-breaking studio goons will be after you next. They need money like vampires (and Breaking Dawn haters) need blood.

Nance on......

ABRAAAAAAMMMMS!

Okay, by now we all know that JJ Abrams' Star Trek "reimagining" is going to be pretty terrible, but we're still hoping it'll be FUN. One thing that's always seemed odd is Shatner's lack of involvment, especially when his best bud Leonard Nimoy is partaking in the clusterfuck. JJ claims Kirk only went MIA when he was brutally rebuffed by the almighty Rocket Man.

However, not unlike the recent Spaced/McG ass kissing ridiculousness, it seems that wasn't exactly the case ...


Shatner calls bullshit, saying Abrams never even asked him to appear. The audacity! But in all honesty, I'm not surprised Abrams pussed out -- having cast the bland Chris Pine as young Kirk, why invite the comparison? I mean we already know he's gonna suck, but when your lead is overpowered by William Shatner, you know you're fucked.

JJ better watch out.



Nance on......

EA Hates Space Nazis

Spock and Kirk would be relieved.

Everyone in our shiny MIB marble world knows that highly anticipated pseudo-evolutionary game Spore has just been released. Unsurprisngly so have the floodgates of wankery.

While Will Wright laughs and swims through piles and piles of money, the most popular "discussion" point about the game seems to be the issue of DRM -- as in, why the hell does Spore use DRM, especially when the program has already been cracked, why must we install SpyWare on our computers, and why must the software be limited to three installs. Boo, EA. Boo.

The second hot topic is why each copy of Spore can only activate ONE player account. Further fail, for sure. You mean that if I want to battle my brother with penis monsters we have to buy TWO copies? That's $100! Rock Band 2 is only $60, and we get to sing Bon Jovi!

Then there's the Amazon 1.5 Star average. Ouch.

But none of these really compares to the stupidity discovered when some idiot tried to make das master race on his account. (Hey, at least he's not trying in real life.)

So some dude makes space Nazis. He feels special. EA doesn't think so, so they ban his account four 7 days with no warning. Assumedly, they delete his Aryans too. Boo. So someone comes onto EA's official Spore forums to vent, and the topic of his post includes the phrase "third reicht." Everyone laughs silently to themselves about the guy's clear idiocy until they realize he typoed BECAUSE REICH IS BANNED FROM THE FORUMS. Uh, what?

And not only that, but Hitler, Nazi, swastika, Stalin, Osama, and Saddam are banned too, cutely replaced with "SPORE" whenever typed. Of course like on any forum there's typos around that, resulting in clever new terms like "swatty sticks." Oh, Intarwebz.

But back to serious land: last time I checked, the ONLY place in the WORLD where a ban on these terms could be justified is Germany, and even that's a little shaky. But EA is an American company running a site on American soil so ... what gives? Are EA WW2 deniers now? Doesn't everyone know the adage if we don't learn from history we're doomed to repeat it? So why try to erase history from Spore?

Okay, granted you don't want Neo Nazis trying to commandeer everyone else's planets -- even if you DO want them to buy your game. But you kinda have to forsee that potential situation and not react like asshats, especially when you allow Vag and Penii monsters to roam the galaxy. I mean, controversy would only sell more copies of the game, and unless users are truly emitting hate speech, what's the point of banning them?

Users have been suspended so far for making Obama creatures (using the default person tools -- it's not anyone but EA's fault that when you change the skin color the creature looks like something out of an 1890's travel book) and for making German tanks ... what next?

You guys created the game. You made it expansive enough to create anything. Deal with it. But don't try to rewrite history.

Nance on......

Quiz Time! Dragonball Edition

I was about to write a smarmy post about how bad Dragonball looks, and how the marketing campaign is cheaper than a Thai hooker, when I stumbled across an interesting fact I haven't heard much about. So here it is, readers:

How much do you think Dragonball cost to make?
a) 10 Million
b) 25 Million
c) 50 Million
d) none of the above, probably like 2 cents.

The answer is D. Because it cost 100 MILLION DOLLARS, according to IMDB. And considering how long it's taken to get the film in the can, it's probably correct.

What the fuck? That's 10 MILLION DOLLARS less than Departed. They could have made 5 Superbads with that dough! And does anyone actually expect it to make back that budget?
Nance on......

Joss Whedon Loses Mojo

That sexist bastard is leaving all teh fangirls with blueballs.

Okay fangirls, I guess the streets are safe once more, as it seems Mr. Whedon has lost his nerd mojo and shut down production of Dollhouse due to poor writing quality. What's in the water in LA these days, guys? We're not exactly sure how one starts filming before realizing your show sucks, but at least this gives him some time to "fix" the problem and deliver a great new show ... right? Nance on......

Jack Bauer Power Hour Delayed Again

Okay, so by now it's common knowledge that production on Season 6 of 24 has been shut down for two weeks due to problems with the "direction" of the season. So apparently they "found a new one" and decided to spend some time working on it. I guess a year wasn't enough time for them to pull their shit together?

Either way, it's also official that Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer) is returning to the show, WITH A KID. How this could possibly "help" the direction of the show is beyond us, but we do have a couple of suggestions that might make this season a little more interesting.


1) If Kim's babydaddy is going to be anyone we've seen (aka please God not Chase), it'd better be Ryan Chappelle. I mean come on, we all know how Chappelle feels about babies in the office.

2) Kill off Audrey and bring back Kate Warner. No one likes Audrey anyway, and 24 hasn't had a woman with balls since Michelle kicked the bucket.

3) If we're bringing back relations, what about Chappelle's brother? (Or secret twin? Are you sensing a pattern yet?)

4) Speaking of brothers, Wayne has outstayed his welcome. It was a cool idea, but few people can match Dennis Haysbert's charisma.

5) Enough with the Serbia/Drayson/Phantoms from the past plotlines. Enough. Kay? Time to start fresh. And don't try any of that Departed stealing micro-processors shit either.

6) No more moles in CTU/whatever agency it's become.

7) Let's take a break from the Middle Eastern baddies, and whatever they triend and failed with China. Why not an African villain? Or a flamboyant Greek shipping heir? Or Paris Hilton?

8) Chloe needs to fire more machine guns.

9) Each season has a handful of weepy martyr deaths. But the audiences becomes less emotional and more pissed off when FIVE people go down in one season. SO hey, let's pick one and stick with them, okay? Especially if they're Kim.

10) DON'T MAKE TONY THE VILLAIN.

Nance on......