At least it wasn't the Solex Agitator!

If only Scaramanga could cap a bitch. Unfortunately for him, the Golden Gun, his legendary weapon (valued at a surprising $148,000) has gone missing from the props house at former Bond home, Elstree Studios. Who could have done such a thing?

Tattoo? Octopussy? Mrs. Sellers? That one guy?

Bond star Roger Moore suspects The Man with the Golden Gun himself, Christopher Lee, joking: "search his house!" Personally, we'd put money on the Turkish belly dancer. Bond jacked her shit and she deserves something in return other than coy innuendo. Or VD.

Nance on......

Let Me Tell You About My Mother

Okay, writers of the heartwrenching and majestic Eagle Eye: you have our attention. And we all want to decapitate you. Happy now?


For those of you who haven't heard the news, according to Slashfilm spies who attended a G&A hosted by Creative Screenwriting (which my inbox says was on the 25th) two of the film's douchebag writers, Travis Wright and John Glenn, the same douches who're currently rewriting The Warriors, have been putting together a Blade Runner sequel for the past couple years.

Excuse me?

YES, they said BLADE RUNNER. SEQUEL. TO BLADE RUNNER. Luckily they're shit writers (obviously) so the likelyhood that this might get made is small. But I saw dollar signs in the eyes of the WB execs I told last November that I'd seen the Final Cut in theaters three times in one week. Regardless though ...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Does Leon have to bust a cap in these guys? Because I'll dig up Brion James and reanimate him just to do so. Hell, I'd take one for the team and do it myself. Since they're no doubt familiar with The Warriors by this point -- at least we'd hope -- they should know that they've basically killed Cyrus in this town, so they better watch their backs if they actually plan to pitch this thing around town.


The worst part about the proposed film and the pretentious c**twaffles behind it is that, unlike Spaceablanca this project is DEAD SERIOUS. These assholes actually think that they can make a SEQUEL to BR and HAVE IT NOT SUCK.

Well let's see. Besides creativity and class, these guys seem to be lacking:

- Rutger Hauer
- Harrison Ford
- Ridley Scott
- David Peoples (who wrote Unforgiven)
- A NOVEL BY PHILIP K DICK

But I'm sure they can, you know, cast Shia LaBeouf and Michael Chiklis as Blade Runners who, I dunno, fuck some chicks and compete to take out the same score. What's another paycheck, right? Nance on......

Gay Gaiken

Oh Cary, how could you have deceived me so?

Okay. By now even the "reputable" online news sources are weighing in on the Claymates' shockingly unshocking discovery. While most sites have been copy pasta-ing choice quote from Fandom Wank, there's a more serious issue at hand: How could anyone NOT know?

At no point did Clay Aiken ever shout his heterosexuality from the rooftops. Though we don't like to discriminate, we would imagine 90% of sane people would "know" just by looking at or hearing him. It's not like we're living in the 1940's where he has to beard himself with Doris Day (whom he can now rave about freely).

So what is it about the fangirl archetype that makes them so damned delusional? Did he bring one of them a piece of toast? Or are they just pathetically desperate enough that they couldn't find someone else (hotter/more talented) to dream about at night ? Because the worst (and most hilarious) part of this whole net fiasco is: he's not attractive and HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A SINGER.

But to be serious for a moment, one has to wonder why these girls are so viciously attracted to someone like Clay. And the only obvious answer is that he's perfect. In a way. He's not intimidating. He seems like a pretty nice guy. He certainly doesn't womanize, doesn't live his life on the edge, and considering the new baby, he's exactly what every little girl dreams of. So can you really blame them?

Maybe the Josh Hartnetts and Jude Laws of the world could learn a little lesson or two. And maybe it's not the Claymates who are insane, but all those girls who pine after douchebags.

What dreams are made of ...

Nance on......

I don't like...Singers...

Well, too bad Patrick Bateman, patron saint of ONTD. Looks like you, along with Spiderman, Frodo, and Elle Woods, are getting your very own schlocky musical!

Sure, some idiots out there are sure to think this is a good idea, just like some producers are sure to think that an "edgy" musical adaption could bring in all those Broadway bound hipsters or serial killers in training. Oh wait ...

The main problem (one of many, many problems) is that while I'm all for rats devouring the mutilated insides of an electrocuted body, I have a feeling it won't be exactly what a family-and-tourist-friendly Broadway show calls for, especially when popular blah like Legally Blonde and actually good productions like [title of show] are forced to close during the economic slump. And those actually have AUDIENCES.

In order for American Psycho to work AT ALL on stage (which it can't as a musical, let's face it) and still be profitable, they'd have to water it down more than Mary Harron's film -- a film that she only got to make in the first place because if a male director breathed anywhere in its direction he'd be tarred and feathered by a thousand screaming feminists. And let's everyone remember that despite Christian Bale's rise to stardom and the film's cult status online, it still made no money. And they think a Broadway musical will make bank?

Who wants to see a musical about an extremely violent serial killer not dicing people's heads off anyway? Even Sweeney Todd isn't brutal on stage, and Andrew Lloyd Weber has major 42nd street cred. Can Patrick Bateman sing his way to a rez at Dorsia? We sincerely doubt it.

I don't like singers ... so I will kill you in 30 seconds to Mars.

Nance on......

That's Enough, JK Rowling

It looks like the WB/Rowling camp forgot to pray to He-Who-Might-Be-Cthullu before their latest lawsuit was settled.

And it's too bad for them: Indian film "Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors" will still be released in theatres this week. In case ANYONE was confused, it's Indian. It does not contain wizards, dragons, irritatinly pallid children, or magic. (Except the magic of cinema, that is.)

All you fanvidders better watch out though: Jo and her knee-breaking studio goons will be after you next. They need money like vampires (and Breaking Dawn haters) need blood.

Nance on......

EA Hates Space Nazis

Spock and Kirk would be relieved.

Everyone in our shiny MIB marble world knows that highly anticipated pseudo-evolutionary game Spore has just been released. Unsurprisngly so have the floodgates of wankery.

While Will Wright laughs and swims through piles and piles of money, the most popular "discussion" point about the game seems to be the issue of DRM -- as in, why the hell does Spore use DRM, especially when the program has already been cracked, why must we install SpyWare on our computers, and why must the software be limited to three installs. Boo, EA. Boo.

The second hot topic is why each copy of Spore can only activate ONE player account. Further fail, for sure. You mean that if I want to battle my brother with penis monsters we have to buy TWO copies? That's $100! Rock Band 2 is only $60, and we get to sing Bon Jovi!

Then there's the Amazon 1.5 Star average. Ouch.

But none of these really compares to the stupidity discovered when some idiot tried to make das master race on his account. (Hey, at least he's not trying in real life.)

So some dude makes space Nazis. He feels special. EA doesn't think so, so they ban his account four 7 days with no warning. Assumedly, they delete his Aryans too. Boo. So someone comes onto EA's official Spore forums to vent, and the topic of his post includes the phrase "third reicht." Everyone laughs silently to themselves about the guy's clear idiocy until they realize he typoed BECAUSE REICH IS BANNED FROM THE FORUMS. Uh, what?

And not only that, but Hitler, Nazi, swastika, Stalin, Osama, and Saddam are banned too, cutely replaced with "SPORE" whenever typed. Of course like on any forum there's typos around that, resulting in clever new terms like "swatty sticks." Oh, Intarwebz.

But back to serious land: last time I checked, the ONLY place in the WORLD where a ban on these terms could be justified is Germany, and even that's a little shaky. But EA is an American company running a site on American soil so ... what gives? Are EA WW2 deniers now? Doesn't everyone know the adage if we don't learn from history we're doomed to repeat it? So why try to erase history from Spore?

Okay, granted you don't want Neo Nazis trying to commandeer everyone else's planets -- even if you DO want them to buy your game. But you kinda have to forsee that potential situation and not react like asshats, especially when you allow Vag and Penii monsters to roam the galaxy. I mean, controversy would only sell more copies of the game, and unless users are truly emitting hate speech, what's the point of banning them?

Users have been suspended so far for making Obama creatures (using the default person tools -- it's not anyone but EA's fault that when you change the skin color the creature looks like something out of an 1890's travel book) and for making German tanks ... what next?

You guys created the game. You made it expansive enough to create anything. Deal with it. But don't try to rewrite history.

Nance on......

Samba! De Amigo

We at the NP wanted to remind everyone in cyberspace that there's other news in gaming this month besides the Spore DRM wank and the release of Rock Band 2. And that news is Samba De Amigo for the Wii, coming to stores near you on September 23rd.

Samba was a sadly neglected yet totally awesome maraca game that premiered on the Dreamcast back in the day. Looks like the Wiimote is gearing up to replace the peripherals, but the game boasts over 40 licensed songs to shake your bon bon to.

Take that, Red Octane. Nance on......

GOD ** dragon breath ** ADVERTISING!!!!

All your cable are belong to us

Anime fans go batshit after Adult Swim changes lineup, reports fandom_wank.

Those changes include moving Bleach back to 11 PM, pushing Code Geass and Moribito to 5:00–6:00 a.m., and nixing Shin Chan and Inuyasha. Oh, they'll also be showing Full Metal Alchemist reruns.

Actually, all of this aside from FMA airtime sounds reasonable. Thank the heavens Inuyasha is gone, I mean, have these people ranting ever seen the show to begin with? Bleach is pretty good, but all the others are utter crap, made ten thousand times worse by the horrible American voice acting. I'm not quite sure why CN hasn't yet developed an anime channel to keep these people quiet yet.

Here's another idea: English dubs during the day, English subs at night. That way if you want to watch cool yet mediocre shows without totally ruining them (see: Trigun) the Japanese versions are available.

Incidentally, CN probably has a good idea of what their viewer base is, and which shows actually get watched. Inuyasha is about as old as the dinosaurs by this point and its not surprising that it wouldn't be popular, especially since there are much nicer alternatives now, which there weren't when it first came over. Also, doesn't everyone know that railing on a messageboard doesn't do jack shit other than earn some cash through web ads? Network execs have better things to do, and even if they didn't, they'd surely enjoy the lulz.

Anyway, the new lineup is here. Nance on......