Casting Cowboy Bebop The Movie Movie

Now that Keanu Reeves has been ("unofficially") cast as Spike Spiegel in the Cowboy Bebop live action movie -- which we called the day it was announced Fox was going forward with this abomination -- it's time to throw bets down on the other, albeit trickier characters. First up we have:

Jet Black

Though Jet is often the sarcastic comic relief of the show, today's pompous and "realistic" film climate means that CB will most likely end up as "a gritty re-imagining" of CB, aka devoid of wit an charm. (See: Infernal Affairs) My guess is Jet will be the first to suffer.

Who it should be:

The Rock

Why: The Rock is built like a truck but can still pull off good comedy. He's willing to take pratfalls and kicks ass as the same time.

Who it could be:
Vin Diesel

Why: Because let's face it, the guys at the top will probably run out of steam before the script is even finished. Fox might be distributing, but they're too busy working on Jumper 2 and trying to sabotage Watchmen to care about some anime remake. It's bad enough that the production company, 3 Arts (actually a top tier management company) only has a few films under its belt and nothing to show that they're the best suited for this project (other than the fact that they happened to make an animated movie that starred Keanu).

Who we're rooting for instead:

The Rock

Why: He's really proven he's willing to go the distance in an over the top role, and if they're gonna go with someone who's brains and brawns, we'd far prefer Dwayne to Vin. Besides, Doom was basically an audition tape.

Faye Valentine

Faye is the sassy chick who wears no clothes but is quite clever and can kick a lot of ass, despite having the angstiest backstory of all. She will probably be translated into the sassy chick who wears no clothes. And is probably dumb.

Who it should be:
Zooey Deschanel

Why: Hollywood doesn't like sassy girls unless they're weird looking or overweight or ethnic--none of which describes Faye. So for Faye to not end up a walking pair of tits it's necessary to find a good-looking actress who's primarily known for her body of work rather than her body. But of course Hollywood thinks in reverse terms, meaning the most likely candidate will be ...

Who it could be:
Megan Fox

Why: She's sassy and wears few clothes in both Transformers and the upcoming Jennifer's Body. Her star and pornstar face are on the rise, and there's no faster way to guarantee pubescent boys buy tickets. Well, other than adding a couple of TIE Fighters.

Who we're rooting for instead:

Zooey Deschanel

Why: Because if that hobag Rose McGowen gets interested in sinking her claws into the role Zooey is younger and has way more clout. She's worked on 6 films this year already, and has already put in some tentpole hours. Plus, we're adorably naive.

Ed

Let's face it. Ed probably won't make it onscreen as anything other than a sentient computer or brief cameo if we're lucky. I mean, how are you supposed to cast a girl who might be a boy anyway? We'd go with Miley Cyrus.

Vicious

Let's assume Gren's out too and skip right to the bad guy. I actually hate Vicious, as he's kind of a low-budget Sephiroth though excruciatingly generic. If we're lucky they'll do a plot removed from canon, but considering the type of bad guys we've been seeing lately (Dark Knight excluded) we'll probably be seeing a love triangle situation instead.

Who it should be:
Lee Pace

Why: Because let's face it, as a bishounen Vicious has a duty to look like he could be gay. Also, Lee looks a bit older than he is, and a younger Vicious would help the studio to cast a younger Julia.

Who it could be:

Edward Norton

Why: Because no en vogue A-lister would agree to be to such a stupid character, no matter how angst-ridden they make his backstory, and Ed Norton loves to phone in shitty movies. But you can't just throw in any old hack to battle a bunch of A-listers. Audiences wouldn't be able to take it seriously. It's also excruciatingly hard to find another 40 year-old as young looking as Keanu.

Who we're rooting for instead:

Sam Rockwell

Why: He's pretty versatile, and it wouldn't hurt his career. Plus he can play badass very well. But we'd really prefer a different bad guy.

Julia

Even though Julia is just a macguffin that forces Spike to battle Vicious and bebop across the galaxy, in a film translation there would be an outcry from feminists everywhere that she was being objectified. So instead she'll end up with too much screen time and too little story, but hey, it's a chance to cast a hot blonde opposite the hot brunette.


Who it should be:

Liv Tyler

Why: Because it's hard to hate Liv, and she's sweet and beautiful without looking skanky or plastic. Likability is going to be a big problem with Julia because she's so bland. Julia also needs to be age appropriate to be running around with Spike and Vicious.

Who it could be:

Katherine Heigl

Why: She got a slap on the wrist from Htown after dissing her character in Knocked Up, even though it was totally warranted. Then she goofed again by withdrawing herself from Emmy consideration due to poor writing on Grey's. Ouch. Luckily for producers she's a decent actress and they'll probably be able to get her cheap when no one else is willing to hire her.

Who we're rooting for instead:

Julia Stiles

Why: Even though she's a bit young, she'd bring a bit of ass-kicking potential to the role which might be the direction they're taking anyway. She was great in the Bourne series and cleans up well. Plus, her name's Julia!

Ein

The lovable, super-intelligent pup. Already cast:





Haley Joel Osment

PS -- That was the unskankiest pic I could find of Megan Fox. You know why? Because it doesn't show anything below the neck.